Well…it’s been about a month since I said farewell to Instagram and tried to see what life would be like without the constant urge to post and perform.
I have to say…the month hasn’t been as easy (or fulfilling) as I’d hoped.
Though it has been nice not to feel the same level of pressure to post eye-catching reels that bring in a bunch of new followers, it took a while to fill in the hole that constantly checking likes and comparing my life to everyone else’s left.
I’ve been spending this time trying to slow my brain down and focus on my day-to-day life, which has helped. However, it’s funny how when you fix one thing – suddenly something else is broken.
As I’ve been adjusting to life at this new private practice and accumulating new clients, with that has come a huge spike in anxiety. And not just anxiety…a return of panic attacks.
It was a few weeks ago that I had the first panic attack while sitting in session with a client, and after that…two more waves of panic. I barely made it through the end of the session before collapsing in my office chair – fighting back tears, wondering what the hell just happened. And just like that – I had a panic attack the next day around the same time, with another client.
I’ve spent weeks trying to figure out what my body is trying to tell me with this return of panic attacks, while simultaneously trying to contact my doctor and psychiatrists to receive new (or more) medication. After a week of contacting people I was able to match with a psychiatrist who raised my daily medication dosage, and gave me a whopping FIVE klonopin to last for 3 weeks of what had been reoccurring panic attacks every few days. Lovely.
Suddenly I find myself in a similar place to where I was 5+ years ago: fighting reoccurring panic attacks and unable to get through the day without a BPM of over 100. It’s…scary, it’s disappointing, it’s infuriating – and most of all: it f*cking sucks.
A therapist battling panic disorder again, on top of her generalized anxiety disorder and possible return of agoraphobia. Not quite the resume builder I was hoping for.
I found myself voluntold to join a women’s group at church (by my husband; bless his heart, he’s trying to help) so on the one hand at least I don’t find myself totally alone on this journey. On the other hand, I find myself feeling less eager to be vulnerable with the people in my real life because suddenly…the issues do feel so very real.
All this to say: the last month has not been what I hoped or foresaw, and at the same time I am trying my best to walk through it with strength I don’t have and hope that this won’t be forever. I know that logically it won’t be…but there’s a part of me that is just SO TIRED of living life this way – if you can even call it a life.
Social media is great, and there are things that I miss about it, but at the same time it’s funny to think of my reels continuing to be circulated, eliciting laughs at the dark humor poking fun at mental health issues, all while I struggle to keep it together on the daily.
What a clear reminder that social media isn’t real life.
It’s also sobering to think that this career I’ve worked so hard for may not work out for me the way that I’ve hoped. Suddenly the passion I’ve had for work has vanished and I find myself dreading going back into the office. Lord, help me to figure out what’s going on before I just totally fall apart.
Thanks for listening,
lifestyleofananxiousmom.com 