Around the time we got back from Legoland (August 2023), I had planned on weaning myself off my antidepressants. It was a decision I had thought about, time and again, and finally decided to take the plunge.
The trip to Legoland was horrible, to say the least. It was over a nine-hour drive from where we live in Virginia, and I alternated between anxiety attacks and panic attacks for the whole nine hours.
I had begun taking CBD gummies with THC in them prior to leaving for New York. I thought they were helping, but nothing was helping enough. I was shaking and crying and breathing hard for the majority of our drive – I can only pray that this isn’t what my kids remember from that trip there.
I’ve been on antidepressants since 2011. I received my first Xanax prescription in 2011, followed by a Lexapro script, Klonipin medication, later changed to Zoloft in 2020 or 2021 I believe, and now…here we are. So many years of meds and still so many panic attacks. I was frustrated and annoyed that the meds didn’t seem to be working AND they were probably messing up my body somehow in the long run. What about my liver? Is this doing damage to my brain? At the time, I felt like I needed to get as far away from foreign chemicals (including birth control) as possible.
I weaned myself off slowly, at the instruction of a physician, and stopped taking the meds. September wasn’t a horrible month, though I did feel the anxiety attacks coming back. I noticed that my mind was back to fixating on things that hadn’t been an issue for a really long time. “Work your coping techniques,” I’d tell myself. “Don’t go back to this.”
October came, and everything just broke. My brain broke, my emotions were haywire – I am not exaggerating when I say I cried everyday of October, with the exception of one day (and I think it was just because I temporarily ran out of tears). I was angry, yelling and screaming at little things that never brought me to that point. Feeling guilty later for screaming at my children, and crying myself to sleep for being such a terrible mother.
Every night it was something different. How stupid was I to think that I could go off meds? I’m not only screwing up my life, I’m also screwing up my childrens’. How selfish of me to go off my meds and put my family through this. Why do they even want me here? At some point in the future they probably won’t…so why not just give up now? They’ll be better off. No one will miss me. Life is too hard, this will be better.
It’s a slippery slope when those thoughts start appearing.
A slippery and scary slope.
Never before in my life have I experienced such a heavy darkness. My body was feeling heavy with the shame and sadness and anger. I know now what it means to no longer find fulfillment in the things that used to bring you joy. It’s such a deep, profound sadness I wouldn’t wish on anyone.
Last week I went to my nurse practitioner and blubbered through our entire appointment. I told her my concerns over my health while I was taking meds, and I told her how hard daily life has been without them. We talked about what research has shown as far as long term damage to the brain is concerned. And then she told me all the things I would absolutely tell a client considering medication (if this were any other issue – high blood pressure, diabetes, shoulder pain – would you deter someone from taking medication? Especially if it would change their life?) but can’t tell myself.
She prescribed a new medication, and I filled the script. And here it sits on my desk, while I stare at it…unable to make that final push and start the meds. What am I waiting for?
I know there’s still a stigma around meds. I feel the stigma within myself. But why do we make people feel so guilty for trying something that could radically change their life?
Suicidal ideation, or suicidal thoughts, have to be where we draw the line friends. Nothing should keep us in that place. If meds will help bring us out of it, then we support meds. If changing your diet and exercising more will help bring us out of it, then we support those efforts too. It shouldn’t be an either or.
I guess that’s what I’ve decided…eventually I’ll be back on medication and hopefully I will return to this space raving about how much better I feel.
Until then…I’ve got to get better at allowing myself to do whatever I need to do to make myself feel whole again. It isn’t fair to myself or to my family to struggle for the sake of being able to say I’m off meds. What’s the use in being chemical-free but mentally trapped?
Ultimately, I choose life. I choose whatever helps me appreciate the lights that’s found in life, and run from the darkness. Thank you for supporting me in whatever decision I choose.
With you in the struggle,
lifestyleofananxiousmom.com 